


I love you Dr Reid

by ArrowDelany1



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Caring Derek Morgan, F/M, Happy Aaron Hotchner, Marriage, Penelope Garcia & Spencer Reid Friendship, Protective BAU Team (Criminal Minds), Protective David Rossi, Protective Emily Prentiss, Romance, The BAU Team as Family (Criminal Minds)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29376684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArrowDelany1/pseuds/ArrowDelany1
Summary: Y/n had just moved to Virginia to start her new job in the BAU.  Little did y/n know that her life was about to changed forever.  However life had not been kind to y/n and with her complex past.  Buried demons might resurface making her job a little harder to do.Spencer Reid and Reader love storyWattpad: ArrowDelany
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Start of a new Job

It was mid September and you had finally unpacked all the boxes in your new apartment. It was early in the evening and you only just got a chance to sit down on your brand new purple couch when suddenly your phone rang it was your ex-girlfriend/ best friend Laura.

_"hey y/n how you doing?"_ Laura asks

"not bad" you replied   
"tired to be honest just finished unpacking all my stuff I forgot how much stuff I actually had" Laura laughed. Laura had a tendency to laugh at any thing you would say and at first you found it weird but you got used to it.

_"So. now that you have finished unpacking your stuff let's go out"_

"Go out where? I'm not sure I'm up for clubbing or going to a bar tonight if that's your plan"

_"why not? I haven't seen or partied with you for so long"_

You rolled you eyes "because I'm tired I've been on my feet for the past 5 days I've had about 4 hours sleep all together and going out, getting drunk and having some stranger grind on me does not sounded great to me. But if you want to see me and I mean I really want to see you then please feel free to come round here and drink wine with me and watch the new episodes of supernatural with me, then pleas be my guest" Laura seemed to dislike the idea of a quiet night in, as she decided instead to hang up and send you a text saying:

**Laura:** _I loved you but you're boring meet me tomorrow outside Holmes diner at 3 and I'll show you some of the most beautiful places in dc_.

You weren't too bothered by Laura's rudeness, you were used to her sudden mood swings besides lying on your couch with a bottle of rosé and watching your favourite tv show alone was therapeutic. Your evening was relaxing you knew it was going to be one of your last relaxing nights you were going to have before you started at the BAU and that night when you finally got into bed you fell straight asleep.

The next morning you woke up to the bright blinding sun peeping through your curtains. With a groan you climbed out of bed, got dressed made yourself breakfast and decided to go on a walk before meeting Laura. You wanted to know three important things about your area number 1: where a decent library with a decent variety of books was, number 2: where the best coffee shop the area could offered was and finally number 3: a nearby bookshop.

The first placed you found was the library it was fairly big and wasn't near a loud main road. The second placed you found was the book shop it was small but sweet and basically empty.

Books made you feel something special, you liked all genres and had read a lot of books in your life. However what you loved more than books was book shops, your mother was also a book lover and when you were young she would take you to bookshops all the time and afterwards you would get hot chocolate together in your favourite café in LA.

You had lost your mother and father when you were 15, they were murdered and found in their bed on valentines day. You didn't find their bodies until you had returned home from a date with your girlfriend at the time/ best friend Laura. The sight of their horrifically mangled bodies had changed you and every time you tried to remember your parents that image would often pop into your head. So you would tried to hold on to the good memories you had of them and one of those memories was spending time with your mother in book shops.

The smell of the fresh books never failed to put a smile on your faced, it was something about the earthy, woody smell that filled your senses. When you entered your new local book shop a wave of happiness flooded your body and a smile appeared on your face. You began looking rounded the bookshop still smiling as you ran your fingers along the spines of the books. You kept thinking of you mother and the happy memories you spent with her when suddenly a soft quiet voice came up from behind you.

"I've never seen someone so happy to be in a bookshop" you turned round and saw a tall, thin, handsome man smiling at you.   
"sorry I didn't mean to startle you I just noticed you when you came in and you started smiling and I have never seen someone react to a bookshop that way and I don't know I guessed it kind of interested me" you smiled at the man.

"Don't worry I don't scare easily and I don't know, book shops just make me smile... Do you work here or are you a regular or something?" you asked.

"Neither actually, when I get a chance I come here but I have a busy schedule" replied the man   
"I guess you're new to this book shop perhaps this area even?"

"Yes! how did you know"

"You asked if I worked here or was a regular suggesting you hadn't been here before"

"Ahh I see that's very observant of you" I chuckled

"Well I-I need to go, to get to w-work but it was nice talking to you, I don't really did that much"

"What talk or talk to strangers" you asked jokingly

"Actually neither I talk and talk to strangers a lot but that's usually for work so what I guess I meant I don't talk to anyone about something un-work related and not because my boss told me to" the man smiles and waves awkwardly begins to walk away. You smiled backed and then carried on browsing. As you continued to browse you fell into your own world where nothing else mattered. You read over the names of each book and it's author.

_'Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin'  
'Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky'  
'Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte'  
'To kill a mocking bird - Harper Lee'  
'Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy'_

Suddenly you were brought back to reality by your phone ringing it was Laura of course, no one else called you, it wasn't like you had many friends.  
"hey what's up I'm not late am I" you asked as you put the phone to your ear.

_"What no are you on drugs it's only like 11:30! No I was just calling to say that woke up earlier than expected and thought maybe you would want to meet at 12 instead"_

You didn't really care what time you met up with Laura, as long as you saw each other that's all that mattered.

"Yeah sure I'll see you in 30"

Laura hung up quickly, you left the book shop and made your way to Holmes diner. At 12 you stood outside the diner and waited for Laura. You waited for almost half an hour until she arrived. This annoyed you, Laura had never been good at time keeping, and you should have realised that sooner. It wasn't actually that cold outside, but it wasn't exactly warm. What more is that if you knew you were going to have to stand outside some dingy diner for 30 minutes you would had stayed in the book shop a little longer or gone out and found a good coffee shop.

Besides from Laura's terrible time keeping, the two had a great day and you felt the happiest you had in months. You walked around a large park that gave you a great view of the big capitol building. She pointed out every night club that she had gone to, and she followed them up with a funny story about how she got ridiculously drunk and ended up in strange situations.

You wouldn't go as far to say that Laura was an alcoholic, but she was a party animal and she did drink maybe a bit too much. Not that you could tell her to slow down, Laura did what she wanted, when she wanted, with who she wanted.

That night Laura insisted that she stay at your placed because as she put it ' _my place is so far, I might get murdered if I leave now and you wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you?'_

She also insisted on sleeping in your bed with you because she hadn't properly _cuddled_ you in years. Like I said before, Laura did what she wanted, when she wanted, and with who she wanted, you couldn't exactly say no or she would probably go on a massive rant to you about how much of a terrible friend you were. She had done this many times before, she would often tell you how supportive she was when your parents died, and how you were being selfish for not acknowledging that fact enough.

It was true however. You lost everything the night you lost your parents, neither of them had siblings and so you didn't have any uncles and aunts, both sets of grandparents had died a long time ago and so you had no one, well no one except Laura. She would sit with you while you cried, she would comfort you after you had a nightmare. She would stay with you during your depressive episodes, she wouldn't talk but her company let you know that you weren't alone. So there was truth in what she said, and you were extremely grateful for her, honestly if she wasn't their you weren't sure if you would have continued to live.

The next morning Laura left for work and you decided that you would spend, the last morning before you started of your new job trying to find a decent coffee shop. You walked in circles around your area for about 2 hours before you finally found a beautiful café called _the blackbird_. It was definitely popular, you worked this out by just looking at the size of the que. It ran all the way through the shop and out into the street.

"Excuse me?" You asked, as you tapped one of the queuing costumers  
"How good would you say the coffee is here?"

"Personally it's the best in America and that's saying something because I am very fussy with my coffee" relied the customer, he then smiled and turned back round. You decided to take his word for it and than you god you did. The coffee was amazing and it was only a 10 minute walked from your apartment, you couldn't understand why you hadn't noticed it sooner, it would had saved you a lot of time.

You spent the afternoon getting your files in ordered for work and that night you went to bed feeling a mix of excitement and nerves... The next morning you woke up at 5:30am, the birds were singing, the sun was shining and the sky was clear. Tiredly you got out of bed, jumped in the shower, washed your hair, put on your make-up and clothes on and went into the kitchen for your breakfast. You took a long time eating as you weren't that hungry due to the overwhelming nerves brewing in the pit of your stomach that was making you feel rather sick however you kept your food down and at 7:30, you got in your car and drove to the blackbird coffee shop. By the time you finally got your coffee and got back in your car it was 8:00. You weren't late or anything, work started at 8:30 but you didn't want to end up stuck in traffic, that would result in you being late on your first day, which wouldn't leave a good first impression. You parked up outside the FBI headquarters, anxiety was flowing up your body, you felt sick and breathing felt difficult. You sat in your car for a minute breathing deeply and counting to 10.

After about 5 minutes, you finally got out of your car and walked into the lifted, it was difficult to understand the cocktail of emotions that you were feeling, you were definitely nervous, but you were also excited and relieved that this day had finally come.

The lifted eventually stopped on floor 6 and when the doors opened you saw people racing past each other, no one noticing you stepping out of the lifted. At that moment you felt invisible, alone and scared.

Scared that the team wouldn't like you. Scared that you wouldn't be good at the job. Scared that you weren't strong enough. However despite the wave of self doubted crashing into you, you took a deep breath and descended down the corridor towards SSA Hotchner's office. Taking a deep breath you knocked 3 times on the door and a deep voiced from the inside replied "come in". Opening the door you walked towards Agent Hotchner with your hand outstretch.

"Umm SSA Hotchner I'm SSA y/l/n or y/n whatever was easier for you sir". Hotchner smiled up at you, took your hand and shook it enthusiastically.

"Please take a seat and please called me hotch no one calls me Hotchner nowadays". You smiled and nodded the nerves began to become less noticeable. You and Hotch talked about how your work days would work, the rules, and the team dynamic. After what felt like an hour, Hotch finally stood up and said   
"Right well let me show you to your desk and then you could meet the team".

You followed your new boss out of his office and into the bullpen, he showed you to your desk, where you put your bag down at, then you followed him into the main conference room. Around the rounded table were 6 people sitting, talking and drinking coffee. As hotch opened the door, you took another deep shaky breath and smiled softly at the people sitting round the table. You were so nervous you hadn't noticed the familiar faced sitting to the left of you.

"Everyone i would like you to meet the newest member of our team SSA Y/n Y/l/n" Hotch introduced, the team stood up, and the first the greeted you was Agent Rossi

"hi I'm David Rossi I read your file, and I have to say you are extraordinary, when I read it I couldn't waited to meet you". you shook his handed enthusiastically 

"Thank you, I'm not sure if extraordinary is the right word, mediocre perhaps" you replied anxiously.

"hey don't bring yourself down like that Rossi doesn't exaggerated and so I must believe that you are extraordinary" A dark hair woman cut in  
"I'm Emily Prentiss by the way" you laughed

"I'll take your word for it" you chuckled

Next to meet was a handsome, muscly dark skinned man "Well you are gorgeous! I'm Derek Morgan".

Then there was was a young pretty, blond lady "Derek's right you are stunning! I'm Jennifer Jareau but you can call me JJ and this here if Penelope Garcia" she grabbed the excitable other blond lady and moved her forwards

"Oh my god why are you an FBI agent?! You could literally be a supermodel! I'm the tech analyst not SSA but I'm real helpful" you held out your hand to Penelope but instead she pulled you in for a big hug.  
"I can tell we're going to be good friends"

Finally you turned to the last agent who looked very familiar. "I-I know y-you, you're the girl from the book shop I'm Spe- um- Spencer I- mean Reid- no waited I mean Dr Spencer Reid sorry i seemed to had forgotten my name for a second there" His voice trailed of towards the end, he went slightly pink and rubbed the back of his neck. You chuckled and saw Derek and Penelope giggling behind Spencers back.

"I finally get what you were saying about talking to strangers now" you mentioned

"Guys i hate to break up the welcoming party but we have a case" Penelope interrupted, looking up from her tablet. You and the team sat down at the round table and went over the details of the case before getting on the jet.

The case was in California, the flight was 5 hours long and you spent most of the time learning about the team and dodging questions about your past knowing it would bring unwanted sympathy and a lot of questions.

The case took 3 days solve, the first 2 days were mainly just trying to understand the victimology and the profile of the killer. However on the last day that's when the real action began.

Penelope found out that the unsub was a man called Jason Wilson, he was 20 and most likely a psychopath/ serial killer. He enjoyed killing anyone he came across, hence why the victimology was all over the placed. You and spencer were sent to go checked out an abandoned warehouse where Jason would torture and kill his victims.

Spencer entered first, with his gun in his hand, you followed closely behind.

"You look over there I'll look over here be careful" Spencer told you, you nodded and began to look around, suddenly you heard a loud thump which sounded a lot like a body hitting the ground, you nervously turned round, with your gun on hand and torch in the other

"Spencer? Spence was that you? Spencer answer me" you shouted but spencer did not reply. You became increasingly more concerned, you began to run towards where spencer had gone and suddenly you saw his body lying on the floor. He had been hit on the head with something hard. You ran towards his body and shook his unconscious body  
"Spencer can you hear me? It's y/n!". Almost immediately you realised Spencer's gun was missing! You looked around to see if it had been dropped but it was nowhere to be seen.

_'this can't be good'_ you thought to yourself

Suddenly you heard a revolver click and voice from behind

"Put you're gun on the floor and your hands in the air then turn rounded slowly" Jason commanded, you did so reluctantly.   
"Good, now take off your vest" and so you took off your bullet proof vest.   
"Wow to be honest when I first saw you I couldn't believe you were an FBI agent you're so pretty" Jason flirted still pointing the gun at you but observing you up and down

"Well thanks" You mumbled.

"Sorry if i don't seem more flattered but the gun pointing at my chest is really off putting" you replied

"Pretty and funny I like you. So how did you and bean pole over there find me?" he asked

"Well to be honest, you're not that hard to find" you stated confidently

"Damn it and I thought I was good at this"

"The rest of my team will be here soon" you lied

"I didn't hear you call them and well if I was to be caught today, I at least want to get the chance to murders of 2 FBI agents! Y'know to add to my resumé" Jason chuckled with a disturbing calmness to his voice.   
"But which one of you should I kill first?" he mused  
"hmm eenie meenie miney mo". You swallowed, your mouth was dry, suddenly before you could stopp yourself

"Hold on if you kill us fast, it won't be fun for you and it won't give you the same release as it used to" you pointed out suddenly in the hope that it would stall Jason from killing you both immediately.

"Ugh! Fuck! You're right, killing you fast just would not be as fun besides I wanna hear you scream" He smiled at you maliciously

Before you could react the back of the revolver smacked into your temple. You fell to the ground, Jason kicked you several times in stomach before getting on his knees and punching you again and again in the face. You tried to fight back but it was no good, his knees were on your hands, his weight on top of you was too much for you to fight against. You could feel the blood dripping down your cheek from your nose, everything began to become a blur.

Then out of nowhere a deafening gunshot coming from behind your head and Jason fell to the floor. You soon realised that spencer had woken up taken your gun which was on the floor and shot Jason in the head.

Tiredly you looked up at the ceiling in pain, dizzy and with an overwhelming urged to closed your eyes, there was a loud ringing in your ears and suddenly you felt spencer lifting your head into his lap.

"Hey you're ok just keep those beautiful eyes open for me ok? Can you hear me?" his voice was muffled by the ringing but just clear enough to understand.

"I'm ok" you whispered  
"I-I tried to stall him, I-I didn't know w-what else to do, i-if i didn't do anything, he would h-have killed us both on the spot"

"I know" Spencer said softly   
"And you did good, you saved my life" Spencer stroked you cheek gently.  
"I've called the team they're on their way. Let's get you out of here. Can you stand?" he asked. You nodded and with Spencers assistances you slowly sat up. This was a bad idea because you suddenly felt worse, even more dizzy and a bit sick. However you sat there for a moment before letting Spencer help you stand up. Once you were up you realise how truly weak you felt. Your legs felt like bread sticks, your head felt heavy and your body ached

Instinctively you grabbed Spencer for aid and he took hold of your waist, as you went to take a step forward, your legs buckled and you started to fall. Gasping out in pain as your legs fall under you, Spencers grip tightened around your waist and he caught you before you hit the floor. You looked into his hazel eyes for a second and he looked into yours

"I've got you ok? Take it slow" he whispered, you nodded and attempted to take another step forwards. With every step you took, you began to gain in strength. Although you were still tired and in pain. This wasn't exactly how you hoped your first case would go. 

Just as you got to the entrance the warehouse the rest of the team arrived, within seconds of seeing you and Spencer Morgan jumped out the SUC and ran to support you from the other side  
"You ok newbie?" he asked

"Oh yeah nothing a nap can't fix" you state jokingly. Hotch came running up to you his face painted with concern

"What happened?" he asked.

"Jason hit me from behind, took my gun and was going to kill us both if y/n didn't stall him. I shot him he's dead in there" Spencer told him, Hotch nodded and his face relaxed slightly

"Get yourselves checkout and cleaned up". He ordered, both of you nodded and carried on walking towards the ambulance that had just arrived. The ringing in your ears got louder, your head pounded and your vision began to blur. You took deeper breaths and slowed down considerably. Derek looked at you, becoming increasingly more concerned than before.

"Hang on in there kid we're almost there" he told you but it didn't help you, your legs broke from under you and everything went black. 

When your eyes fluttered open again, you found yourself in an ambulance, spencer was holding your hand, he looked pale and panicked. To say you were confused was an understatement, your head still pounded, and you didn't remember how you got in the ambulance. The only thing keeping you from having a panic at was spencer's presence, for some reason it made you felt calm...

The next morning you woke up in a hospital bed with spencer asleep in the arm chair next to you. The nurse came in just as you woke up to checked on you   
"Aww he's so sweet" she cooed

"Has he been here all night?" you asked, she nodded  
"I thought he was gonna go when I fell asleep"

"No he insisted that he stayed! Anyway i have your discharge papers here for you to sign, when you have you can get changed, then just leave the papers at the front desk on your way out" she explained softly and then hastily turned and walked away. You sat up and prod spencer gently waking him up.

"Hey sleepy head, why didn't you go back to the hotel last night?" you asked.

"I wanted to make sure you were ok and I didn't want you to be alone when you woke up" he told you in his raspy, tired morning voice.

"Well thank you." You smiled.

Once you got changed, spencer insisted he wheel you out the hospital and in the black of the SUV. When you arrived back at the hotel, you didn't leave straight away, the rest of the team needed to finish up work at the police station. You all finally got on the jet at 4pm, Spencer sat in the seat next you but didn't talk, he was very quiet and you could see something was bothering him. He kept glancing at you and playing with his fingers

"Hey you what's up?" you asked, he looked over at you and sighed

"It's nothing, it's just that I wish I had stopped Jason sooner"

"hey what were you talking about you saved my life" you cut in surprised by his guilt

"Yeah but after he beat you senseless" he looked away from you as a tear ran down his cheek

"Right Spencer looked at me" You ordered, Spencer did so, his eyes still glassy  
"I'm ok, this was not your fault ok? I'm ok, I promise. These cuts and bruises will fade within a couple of days and be completely gone within a couple of weeks. I'm fine, I'm just happy you got him before he killed us both. Believe me Spencer when I say I've been through worse" you looked at him and smiled, then with your thumb wiped the tear off his cheek and rested your head on his shoulder.


	2. The night off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team get a night off and all go out to a club. How will things go?

Months had passed, your injuries from your first case had healed and you and the team had solved many cases since. Your case load had been huge up until this point. The team needed a break and Rossi suggested the team go out for pre-Christmas drinks in DC. You all agree and decided to a bar called Moriarty's. The bar was lively full of colourful lights live music and a dance floor. Months had past your injuries from your first case had healed and you and the team had solved many cases. Your case load had been huge up until this pointed. You all arrived at the bar at 9pm, you were very excited to finally get to go out and had some fun.

Penelope excitable as ever brought everyone shots. Rossi then brought a rounded of cocktails and JJ brought the wine, and by 11pm the whole team were drunk which you had never seen before. Derek was the first to get up and dance, and Penelope followed soon after, jokily grinding on him. After laughing at Derek and Penelope dancing, Prentiss dragged Hotch and Rossi to the dance floor and JJ joined in. You looked at spencer who was uncontrollably smiling, you had never seen him so happy and couldn't help but feel overjoyed by his bright, cheerful smile. You sat there and watched the rested of the team, mentally photographing their smiles and laughs to keep in your memory. It made you want to joined in and so you stood up held out your hand to spencer and asked him to dance.

"I shouldn't" he replied

"why not? Are you scared?" you asked jokingly

"N-No but I-I just mixed a lot of alcohol together which was not a good idea and had you seen me dance?" he slurred, causing you to burst out laughing

"Spencer the whole team just mixed their alcohol and no one cares if you can't dance, I mean are you seeing Hotch right now?! Come on dance with me pretty boy?" Spencer smiled at you, took your hand and walked with you to the dance floor. At first spencer was awkward and uncomfortable, he didn't know what to do, and your heart ached at how cute it was

"Hey spencer relax ok? Let the music guide your body don't force it" you told him trying to ease him, help him forget about his obvious insecurities and anxiety

"I don't even know what that means" he chuckled

"Ok just look at me, forget the people around us and focus on me ok? follow my lead" spencer nodded and began to look in your eyes. A smile appeared on his face, his body began to relax and a new feeling of confidents took over him. He grabbed your hand and spun you around make you both laugh.

As you dance together you didn't realise the rest of the team had sat back down and were now watching you and spencer. You both maintained intense eye contact, the tension between you both could have been cut by a knife. While dancing you felt someone tap you on the shoulder, when you turned round and you came face to face with Laura

"Oh my god what are you doing here?" you asked drunkenly

"I should ask you the same thing" she giggled, then looked at Spencer and her smile immediately dropped   
"and who was this?" she questioned

"Oh this is Spencer we work together" You introduced  
"Spencer this is Laura my best-friend" you replied

"Oh well it's nice to meet you Spencer mind if I steal _my_ best-friend for a dance" Laura asked him in an unpleasant tone.

"Oh- uh- yh sure" spencer stammered, he turned away, trying his hardest to hide his disappointment, he flashed you a small smile and walked back to the table. As he left, for the first time in a long time you felt annoyed to see Laura however to avoid Laura screaming at you in front of everyone, you danced with her hoping she would let you go back to the team after the song finished, however she didn't let you go, in fact she bought you more shots and as the night went on, you got more and more drunk. While you danced, Laura moved closer and closer to you until she finally leaned in and started to kissing you. This wasn't uncommon of Laura, despite the fact that you weren't together, you often share drunken kisses, you thought it to be nothing more than just a kiss, as you no longer had feeling for her anymore. But this time when she kissed you, you didn't want her to. Once she pulled away, you stepped back in the hope that she would get the memo and she would not try to kiss you again but she didn't seem to get the message. She danced closer to you again and moved in to kiss you again but this time you moved your head back. She opened her eyes and looked up at you her face showing a mixture of confusion and anger

"Not tonight" you whispered. Laura looked disgusted, you held your breath preparing yourself to get screamed at

"You bitch! What you don't want your new friends to see you kissing a girl?!" she shouted

"No I just don't want you to kiss me Laura, it's getting a bit weird now. We aren't together" you argued. Laura turned red with anger but instead of screaming at you she turned away and stormed off. You rolled your eyes and headed back to the bar and order yourself another drink. Once you got your drink you walked back to the table in the hope the team didn't just witness the kiss or Laura's melt down. Unfortunately they all had but they decided to not ask about it, which you were grateful for. 

Spencer no longer seemed as happy as he was before and neither were you. In fact Laura had completely ruined your night and at that point all you wanted to do was get black out drunk and forget about it. Unfortunately the team had noticed you excessive drinking, your low mood and decided to cut you off. Hotch was the first to leave, then Rossi and JJ, then finally you, Emily, Penelope, Spencer and Derek. 

Near the end of your night your mood began to lift again and you were in your funny drunk mood. 

"right i think it's time to get you home" Derek stated, while laughing at your drunk manner. 

"No! I want to to to to pppaaaarrttty till the sun comes uppp" you shouted

"That's not wise believed me, I used to be the same" Emily warned you

"Does the sun come up? Or down? Or side ways? Or diagonal" You slurred

"I would tell you but I think you're too drunk to understand" Spencer told you

"Y/n you need to go home and sleep" Penelope giggled

"Ughhh alright then I suppose" you mumbled, slightly disappointed that no one would party with you. You all got up and stumbled out the bar. The air was cold and Christmas lights lit up the street. You drunkenly put your arms round Derek and Spencers shoulders while Emily and Penelope walked beside Derek holding each others hands

"So you ever gonna tell us what happened tonight?" Derek asked

"ahhh well you saw that woman was my best-friend Laura but she was also my ex-girlfriend we dated back in high school" you explained

"I didn't know you liked women" Emily said surprised, you nodded  
"My gaydar must be off because it didn't detect you" 

"I mainly like men but in high school me and Laura dated for a couple of years before I broke up with her" you slurred

"Why did you guys break up" Penelope asked

"Why are you all so nosy" you giggled, lightly tapping Penelope on the nose. You wanted to avoid that question, because you were way too drunk to work out a good enough way to avoid the question and the you would have to explain to them that your parents were murdered and a relationship was not what you needed at the time, and by the time you were better a the feelings you had for Laura weren't there anymore.   
"Let's just enjoy the night" Spencer agreed with you, he was the only person who didn't want to know about your past relationship.   
"Sorry that I got so drunk"

"That's ok, you're cute when you're drunk" Penelope cooed

"Aww Penelope, you're always cute" You squeaked

"Little lady where do you live?" Derek asked

"Good question, I don't know" you slurred

"You don't know?" Spencer questioned

"I'm too drunk, my brain doesn't work, I have it in my phone" you stated, untangling yourself from Spencer and Derek so that you could get your phone out. Once you did you had to remember your password which took a while then you had to find your phone notes. When you finally found your address, instead of continuing to walk you took photos with everyone. The photos didn't turn out great, it was either too dark to see anything, or the photos were too blurred because your stability disappeared once you induced any alcoholic drink. After what felt like 5 minutes but was in fact 30 minutes, you were finally dropped off at your apartment. You stumbled through the door, closed it, and passed out on your bed, falling into a deep sleep the moment your head hit the pillow. You were in such a deep slumber that you never heard your phone text message tone ring, oh how you wish you did. If you did things might have been different.


	3. Missing: Dr Spencer Reid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer goes missing, the team make a shocking discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Death of a Character, violence, mention of past with self harm, past suicidal thoughts, and past depression, Grief, and depression.

The next morning you woke up with a splitting head ache, your make up was smudged round your face, your hair was knotted and a mess and you were fully clothed. 

_'What the fuck happened last night'_ you wondered. 

Then it hit you. Laura, the fight, the kiss, getting extremely drunk in front of the team. Ugh alcohol is great until it's not. 

You groaned, cringed and then after debating if you should stay in bed for the rest of your life, you got up and in the shower. 

Once you got out the shower, you brushed your teeth and put on some make-up. You covered the dark circles under your eyes, and bronzed your cheeks to hide how pale and sick you looked, your aim was to not look hungover what so ever so that the team wouldn't bully you and in all honesty you did quite a good job. 

If only make up could fix how dreadful you felt. No unfortunately it could not, that's what drugs are for. You took a lot of aspirin to help with the head ache, doctors would probably say you took too much aspirin, but what do they know right? Right

It wasn't till you were about to leave did you finally check your phone. There was one missed called from Laura and a text message from her saying

**Laura-** _'you'll regret this!'._  
It wasn't uncommon for Laura to over exaggerate and be dramatic, it was unfortunately one of her toxic traits. So you replied with 

**You-** _'Laura I'm sorry if I hurt your feeling but you were being so dramatic'._

Then got in your car and drove into work, you weren't late as such, but you weren't on time, when you arrived the team were all sitting at their desks working. It was a little embarrassing that Derek got in earlier than you, but then you looked over at Spencers desk and realised he wasn't there so how late could you really be?

As you entered the bullpen they all turned to see how hungover you looked and to there disappointment you looked fine in fact the team all looked more hungover.   
"How?! How were you the one who drunk more than all of us combined and you still look stunning" Prentiss sighed, she looked like she hadn't slept in a week. You laughed and shrugged. Little did they know that you had a pulsing headache and your face was caked with many layers of foundation, concealer, blush and bronzer to hide the car crash underneath. 

After about an hour of work you looked up and realised spencer still hadn't arrived   
"Where's spence?" you asked becoming more and more concerned. 

"I don't know I'll called him" Derek replied frowning over at the empty desk. He pulled out his phone and dialled Spencers number but Spencers phone rung and rung until Derek reached the voice mail. He gulped then looked back up at you and shook his head 

"I might go to his apartment and check to see if he's ok. " You told Derek, as you stood up and pulled on your coat  
  
"I'll come with you" Derek replied, he seemed to have become as concerned as you. I mean Spencer was never late, never! He was also rarely ever sick, and if he was he still would force himself into work and continue working until Hotch sent him home. 

You and Derek drove anxiously to Spencers. Neither of you spoke, both of you were coming up with reasons why Spencer wasn't at work and why he wasn't answering his phone.

' _Maybe he is really sick, well not life threateningly sick, but sick enough to sleep through his alarm and the phone calls'_  
 _'Maybe his phone broke and he's gone to get a new one'_

When you got to Spencers, you knocked on his door but got no replied. You knocked again but louder, and still no reply. Derek looked around for a moment picked up a plant pot and found the spare key underneath. He unlocked the door, and you both nervously walked in. The place was spotless of course, there was no sign of a struggle so that was good but it didn't answer the reason you had driven all this way. Because Spencer was no where to be seen. He was not home, and you wondered if he even had been home. 

The bed didn't look like it had been slept in. Spencers messenger bag and go bag was on the floor where you assumed he left it before coming to the bar. But the coat he wore last night was no where to be seen, nor were his keys or his wallet, and pretty quickly you began to wonder _'Did he come home last night'_

Derek seemed to be wondering the same thing, because almost immediately after realising Spencer wasn't home, he pulled out his phone and called Penelope   
"Hey baby girl could you did something for me?" 

_"Anything for you chocolate thunder what do you need?_ " she asked cheerfully

"Can you look at the CCTV cameras outside Reids apartment and see if he came home last night because he's not here" 

_"Oh god, ok I'm on it, I'll call you back in a sec"._

Spencers empty apartment unnerved you, you felt sick with worry for Spencer. 

' _Maybe he's been kidnapped!'_  
 _'Maybe he's dead in a ditch somewhere!'_  
 _'Oh god what if he's in hospital and we just don't know!'_  
  
Approximately two seconds later Dereks phone rang, it was Penelope   
"So what have you got for me Mumma?"  
  
_"Bad news"_ she replied you could hear a shake in her voice   
_"Reid didn't go home last night and I checked the journey he made and you can see him saying goodbye to us and then he's gone"_

"Well this isn't good. Penelope send me the last location he was seen, me and y/n are going to check out the area, tell the team to meet us there" 

_"O-ok"_  
  
"Oh and check the cameras for anyone familiar or anyone who looks suspicious"  
  
_"I'm on it"_ Penelope there was a beep and Penelope contact disappeared once more.   
  
You took several slow shaky breaths and looked at Derek, sharing worried facial expressions. 

There was no point staying at Spencer, he wasn't there, and he hadn't been since before the bar, so you both rushed back to the car and drove to where spencer was last seen. 

Unfortunately there wasn't much there either, it wasn't a particularly dodgy street, well besides from the dark ally. The one thing that relieved you was that you didn't find any blood, or weapon with blood on it, which was the one thing that terrified you the most. It meant that there was a chance Spencer was still alive.

"I've called all the hospitals, and police stations no one with Reid's description has turned up" Hotch informed us. 

"I can't tell if that's good news or bad news" you mumbled, for the last hour your heart felt like it was about to beat out of your chest. 

You couldn't help but think that maybe Spencer was currently being tortured or even murdered 

"Well let's get back to the BAU and try figure this out" Hotch announced to the rest of the team before turning to you  
"We'll find him" 

Although Hotch was trying to reassure you, it didn't really help. How could it? From the looks of it Spencer had disappeared into thin air, and a lack of evidence was never a good sign. Well that's not true but when it comes to abductions and trying to find the victim, a lack of evidence is never a good sign.

Despite not feeling very reassured by Hotch's comment you nodded and gave him a weak smile, before climbing back into the SUV and driving back into Quantico.

As the elevator doors pinged open, everyone was greeted by the currently not so cheerful and bubbly Penelope, she immediately grabbed your wrist and pulled you into her office.

"I need to show you something" she whispered as she closed her door. She sat down at her desk, pulled up security footage of Spencer then pointed to a figure watching Spencer. 

It didn't take you long to realise who the creepy figure was. Your heart began to beat even fast than before, your throat became dry and the room began to spin. You shut your eyes tightly and took deep breaths, hoping that when you opened your eyes again the figure would change and it would be someone completely different. Unfortunately it wasn't, and the person standing suspiciously watching Spencer was still Laura.  
  
"But, no she wouldn't she... she... N-No sh-she wouldn't do something like this, there must be a reasonable explanation for this. " You denied

"Sweetie right now she looks like our only suspect" Penelope said softly

"But she's my best friend she wouldn't- she... She's not an unsub, she's not like the sickos we hunt" you shakily took your phone out of your pocket and dialled her number but she didn't pick up. Then it hit you.. The text message.   
"Fuck" you muttered under your breath

"Maybe there is a reasonable explanation for why she was standing there watching Reid b-but uh- r-right now she's looking very s-suspicious, a-and I understand why you wouldn't want to believe it, I mean I wouldn't want to think that my best friend would hurt someone or abduct them or whatever but m-maybe sh-she has" Penelope gently placed her hand on your shoulder and smiled empathetically

"Y-You're right, w-we need to uh-tell Hotch, I-I'll gathered the team" you stuttered, jumping up from your seat and rushing out of the office. Unfortunately you couldn't gather the team straight away because you needed to throw up. However you hadn't eaten anything to throw up, and so you were dry heaving into the toilet. 

"Y/n?" came Penelopes voice from outside the cubical. 

"I-I'll be out in a minute" You replied

"It's ok, I'll brief the team, a-and you come in when your ready" she spoke in a gentle kind tone, you could hear the compassion in her voice, it was one of the reasons you and the rest of the world loved Penelope.

"O-ok, th-thank you"

You heard the clicking of her heels and then the door close. You managed to throw up some acidic bile but apart from that nothing. Once you composed yourself, you walked out the bathroom and into the conference room.

"I'm sorry" Was all you could say as you sat down

"Why you apologising kid?" Rossi asked 

"She's my friend, if this is her, then she's m-most likely doing this to get back at me for some reason a-and-" you began 

"Kiddo, did you know she would kidnap Reid?" he questioned

"Well no but-" 

"But nothing, don't apologise for other peoples actions" 

"I know this was difficult but I need you to tell us about Laura, everything you know and everything about your relationship" Hotch spoke up

Tears began to well up in your eyes but you held them back and nodded, then you began to tell the team everything. You and Laura knew each other when you were toddlers, you explained how you started dating when you were 14, how due to some 'personal issues' you broke up with her. 

"What personal issues" Derek asked, Hotch had a feeling he knew what personal issues you were referring to and to save you from any more distress, he said.

"It's not relevant to the case" which caused a few eyebrows to raise but no one questioned you further.

"How did Laura take the break- up" Hotch asked. 

"Not well but we managed to stay friends" you replied.  
"I-I mean it was kinda hard to not be friends I ended up living with her, and she really helped me through so tough time"

"And after the break up would you say she was different?" Hotch questioned. 

"No not really. She kinda changed after her brothers death though. He killed himself and she started acting out. She went off the rails for a long time, t-to a point where her parents completely cut her off". 

As you were describing Laura you began to realise how unstable she truly was. You felt stupid for not realising before as it was literally your job to saw these traits in people. 

"Y/n do you know where Laura would had taken spencer?" JJ asked softly 

"I-I don't know umm not many places in DC... Actually when we were 14 we went to DC for a school trip and we ran off into this old building, we thought was haunted and well it was where we had our first kiss. " 

"you had your first kissed in an haunted house?" Derek asked with his eye brows raised a small smirk tugging on his lips.

"We were 14 Derek" you replied 

"Its not important right now" Hotch interrupted impatiently  
"Where was this building?"

"Just off 4th street I'll drive you". You told him before all of you rushed into the cars and drove to the house   
"What I don't get is why spencer" you asked Derek as you drove along the main road.  
  
"She saw you two dancing noticed the connection you guys had and i guess she was jealous" Derek explained. 

"Connection? We were just dancing" you stated confused.  
  
"oh come on you should had seen you two" Derek chuckled  
"Before Laura interrupted we were all about to start chanting for you two to kiss already" you rolled your eyes, continued on. Finally after what felt like forever you arrived at the house, which looked exactly like it had 10 years prior.

The wooden porch was rotting, the windows were smashed, the roof had collapsed in and the exterior walls had been graffitied 

"Wow Y/n this is a real romantic place to have your first kiss" Derek mentioned as he looked at the house.

"Oh shut up" 

"Surely this house can't be stable" Emily pointed out  
"Is it safe to even go in?" 

"Only one way to find out" you mumbled  
"I should go in first, if it is Laura and they are in there, I'll probably be the only one to talk her down... So uh- don't come in just yet" 

"Are you sure" hotch asked. You nodded took out your gun and touch, then entered the house. 

"Laura?" you called out  
"Spencer?"  
You looked around until you came to a large room, which Spencer was sitting in the middle of tied to a chair, he had a black eye, a busted lip and he looked very tired but apart from that he was fine. 

Besides him was Laura with a gun pointed at his head, instinctively you pointed your gun at her.   
  
"Laura put down the gun" you said calmly  
"You don't have to do this, we can work this out, just put the gun down" her hands were shaking and a tear ran down her face.   
  
"You don't love me anymore" Her voice trembled terribly   
  
"I do, of course I do" you replied, lowering your gun slightly  
  
"No not like that, not like you used to and now you're gonna leave me like they all do" you looked over at spencer who was slowly wiggling his hands free, then you quickly looked back at Laura hoping she didn't notice.  
  
"I'm not going to leave you" you whisper tears running down your face. 

"You already have. Ever since your parents were murdered you changed and I tried to hang on to you but you won't stay... a-and last night you made it clear"

Spencer looked up at you in disbelief he didn't know your parents had been murdered, you never told him, you never told anyone on the team, apart from Hotch who had to know.   
"but you know what I realised last night?" She asked her voice sounding more aggressive  
"I realise I was always there for you but you were never there for me... I sat by your bed everyday, while you lay there not moving just staring into nothing! I helped you when you were feeling suicidal! I helped you when you were self harming! But you were never there for me! You never did that for me!"

This wasn't completely true, you stayed with her after her brother died, but when she started drinking more and doing drugs you distanced yourself slightly, not because you didn't want to help her but at that time you didn't know how. 

"Then kill me pleased kill me" you begged, looking at Spencer, his hand was almost free  
"Laura point the gun at me and shoot me not him. He's innocent I'm not, I deserve to be punished but he doesn't" 

Suddenly Spencer freed his hands and pushed up the gun in Lauras hand, she fired a shot up at the ceiling. You lifted your gun up and aimed at her, which was kind of difficult considering Laura and spencer were wrestling each other with the gun. 

As they wrestled two more shots were fired and the rest of the team came bounding into the room. Laura kicked the back of Spencers knee, making him fall, then pointed her gun at him once again but before she could shoot him, you pulled the trigger of your gun, the bullet shot out and into the middle of Lauras head, it took her body a moment or two before she dropped to the floor. 

The bullet had passed straight through and blood poured out of her skull. In that moment you froze. You weren't sure what had happened. 

Your gun was now pointed at nothing, you were staring at the place Laura was once standing, your hands shook uncontrollably. Everyone behind you lowered their guns and looked over at you. 

Spencer stood up and carefully approached you, gently removing the gun from your hands.  
  
Everything that happened after that was a bit of a blur, you remembered hearing voices and a siren. You remembered a blanket being wrapped round you, and you remembered getting in the SUV but none of those memories were clear. The next thing you knew, Spencer was walking with you up the stairs of your apartment, his hand was on your waist. 

You didn't know what to feel, at that time you didn't feel anything. He opened your apartment door and you both walked in. Suddenly that's when it hit you. You had just killed your best friend. 

You see Laura was toxic yes, but she hadn't always been, once upon a time she was a really sweet girl. She was your first love, she was your first kiss. She was the reason you were still alive.

You dropped to the floor screaming and crying out in pain Spencer grabbed you and held you in his arms. His hand cupped the back of your head, as he attempted to comforted you. 

You weren't sure how long you sat there crying in his arms for but you didn't care, your world felt like it had collapsed in on you, you were too exhausted to move, you could no longer see the point of it.

When your crying became silent Spencer finally tried to help you stand up, you did so but you didn't walk you just stood there to tired to moved. And so Spencer decided to pick you up instead and carry you to your bed. 

He gently put you down and draped the duvet over you, you didn't say a word. He knelt down beside your bed, and wiped a tear off your cheek with his thumb

"Listen I'm gonna be in your living room if you need me but I'm not gonna leave you ok?" he whispered. You didn't react until he stood up and walked away, all you could think was 'please stay'. 

"wait. " you mumbled quietly but loud enough for him to hear, he turns round, and looked at you  
"P-Please stay... here" you moved up in the bed, indicating for him to lie next to you. He nodded, kicked off his shoes and climbed in next to you. You rolled over and put your head on his chest but quickly looked up at him for his approval, he smiled and nodded so you relaxed your head back down.

Nothing seemed to calm you apart from Spencer's presence   
"Thank you" you whispered. Spencer wrapped one arm around you and ran his thumb up and down your shoulder.

"You're not alone and I am not going to leave you" Spencer responded softly, no matter how much pain you were in being with spencer brought you peace and slowly you fell asleep... 


	4. Life goes on

The next morning you woke up to a grey frosty morning. Your head still resting on Spencers chest.   
For a split second you forgot about everything that had happened to you but suddenly it all came flooding back and you felt the overwhelming grief begin to brew in the pit of your stomach.

Y'see there are 7 stages of Grief  
 _1.Shock and denial - You had passed this stage_  
 _2\. Pain and guilt - You had basically passed this stage all though you did wonder if you were ever going to not feel guilty._  
 _3\. Anger and bargaining_  
 _4\. Depression_  
 _5\. The upward turn_  
 _6\. Reconstruction and working through_  
 _7\. Acceptance and hope._

You went through the stages in your head. It wasn't like you hadn't lost people before, you knew what grief felt like. Despite this fact it didn't stop you from feeling any less shit. 

The thing about losing people is that although it's a cliché thing to say, but the world doesn't stop moving, even though one life has ended doesn't mean your life has, and you wonder how can you continue when the worst thing in the world has happened. How can you move on from that. How can you go a day with out bursting into tears. 

You stared at the wall for a while, it all felt like a nightmare, you wondered if Spencer wasn't lying bed next to you if you would have just thought it to be a nightmare until someone broke the news to you that you didn't just have a very vivid dream. 

Quietly you sat up trying hard not to wake spencer, who looked so peaceful when he slept. His wounds had been treated, and you assumed while you were in shock he was probably seen to by a medic.   
You took a deep breath before you stood up. Fighting every thought that was telling you to lie back down. You crept out your room and into the kitchen. 

Nothing felt right, you still weren't sure how to fell, you stood there for a moment once again staring numbly at the wall. Then you went to go make yourself a cup of coffee but as you went to grab a coffee cup, you knocked another glass, it fell out the cabinet and smashed on the floor. 

You watched as the glass exploded when it hit the floor, little shards flying everywhere.

You bent down to pick up the shards when Spencer came rushing into the kitchen to see what had happened. He stopped when he saw you crouched down over the shattered cup. His eyes directed to your numb facial expressions and your slow movements, it was heart breaking to watch and so he came over to help. 

"what happened?" He asked softly

"It just fell out" your voice was quiet and monotone

"Hey I'll do this go sit down" he said kindly. This for no reason what-so-ever seemed to annoy you.

"No I can do it" you said impatiently. 

"It's really no trouble" Spencer insisted

"I'm not a fucking baby!" you snapped, immediately regretting it. You realise your rudeness and sat back against the lower cabinet doors, bringing your knees up to your chest, taking slow and deep breaths  
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to be rude I just-" 

"Hey, hey it's ok you're frustrated i get it you don't need to apologise" Spencer interrupted 

"but you've been really good to me and your the one who should be getting special treatment, I mean you did get abducted after all" you pointed out. Suddenly you felt selfish, you hadn't once asked if he was ok. 

"I don't need special treatment besides, what makes me happy is being with you" he replied, you smiled softly

"Still, are you ok?"

"I'm fine, believe it or not that's not the first time I've been abducted" he chuckled 

"There's a story behind that comment" 

"For another day. How are you feeling right now?" Spencer asked, you didn't reply straight away 

"I kind of don't know how to feel you know? She was my best friend, I know what she did was wrong but that wasn't her... She was ill and I didn't help her instead I shot and killed her and I know if I didn't she might have killed you but... I don't know I just feel so... lost" you explained, tears began to fall down your face. 

"It was an impossible situation Y/n. But it wasn't your fault. It was no ones fault I need you to know that I need you to believed me" you looked at spencer and nodded

"She wasn't always like that, and she did help me a lot once upon a time... When I was 15 my parents... were murdered, I was out on a date with Laura at the time, and when I came home, I found them dead... And I basically shut down for a long time after that. Her family took me in, and uh- she would sit by my bed everyday, neither of us would talk but she'd let me know that she was there for me" Your voice broke  
"I think she saved my life in all honesty"  
"Listen you don't had to stay here, I'm sure after the day you had you want to be home"

"The only place I want to be is here with you. Now I want you to go have a shower, clean you face, I'll clear this up and make you coffee and something for breakfast ok?" you nodded and walked out the kitchen. 

When you returned from your much needed shower, Spencer had put a cup of coffee on the table and a plate with toast on it. The thought of eating right now repulsed you, and you were sure if you ate anything right now you would throw it up afterwards and so you sat down, ignored the toast and drunk your coffee.

"You're not eating, have you got something against my toast?" Spencer asked 

"No I'm jusr not not hungry" you mumbled 

"Y/n you have to try to eat something, please for me?"   
You rolled your eyes and picked up the slice, nibbling it slowly. While you ate spencer told you a ridiculous amount of facts which took you mind off the traumatic events from the night before.   
"Did you know that the guy who invented the frisbee when he died his ashes were made into a frisbee?! Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?! I wonder where that frisbee is now" he mused. 

"someone's probably throwing it around the park right now" you replied, you both smile and laughed. It felt like it was the first time you had laughed in a long time. 

"Talking of parks would you like to go out to a park today? Fresh air might do you good" Spencer suggested   
The thought of leaving the house sounded terrifying and so you shook your head.  
"Y/n believe me it'll make you feel better, I promise" 

"You can't promise that" 

"But I can try" Spencer stated flashing you his goofy smile. You scoffed and finally gave in and nodded.

After breakfast you put on some warm clothes and a long coat. As you got out onto the street, you felt a wave of anxiety wash over your body. Your breathing picked up, and you began to shake, Spencer looked over at you and saw the panic in your face

"You're ok I'm with you look at me, focus on me forget about everyone around us and just look at me" he said calmly, you looked at Spencer and focused on his features and his voice, slowly but surely your heart began to slow and your breathing steadied. He smiled at you "Do you trust me?" he asked

"yes" you whispered 

"I promise that you will be ok".   
You grabbed his hand and began to walk down the street, taking deep breaths and listening to Spencer waffle on about how half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday or that in Utah, it is illegal to curse in front of a dead person.   
You focused on his voice, when he talked he was so passionate about every fact and subject that he talked about, it made you smile.   
Once you got to the park you both sat on a bench looking at the view. The grass was covered in frost, and so were the trees and the leaves were gone. Your hand was still holding Spencers tightly but not once did he seem to feel uncomfortable or did he complain. You put your head on his shoulder and whispered 

"Thank you". You looked up at spencer and he looked down at you, suddenly you felt something unexpected. Something you had never felt before, something that brought you joy, something that made you feel all warm inside, something that made you felt safe... Love.   
You carried on staring into Spencers beautiful hazel eyes and then you reached up and kissed him. He kissed you back luckily or that would have been awkward. It was the best feeling you had ever felt. Everything negative in your life disappeared for a moment, all you knew was that you were in love with spencer.   
Once you had pulled away Spencer looked at you his eyes were twinkling. 

"Are you sure this was ok?" he asked nervously. You nodded.   
"I just don't want you to think that I am taking advantage of you because you are delicate right now" you looked at Spencer a smile begins to form on your face.   
Oh how adorably innocent and gentlemanly he was. 

"I'm not sure of anything right now but the one thing I am sure of is how I feel about you. I just hope you feel the same?". Spencer smiled at you 

"I've felt this way ever since we had that conversation in the bookshop... I-I know you would b-but please don't use me as a distraction. I-I'm only saying th-that b-because I f-feel like you m-might want to" he stuttered

"I know, I won't. Although for a split second there, I felt like nothing bad could ever happen" 

"These things take time, but you'll heal" he assured you. A tear rolled down your cheek, Spencer stroked it away. You carried on looking into each others eyes, until you felt rain drops on your head. Suddenly the heavens opened and heavy rain began to pour down.   
You and spencer jumped up off the bench, he took your hand and you ran together laughing as you went. You took cover in a band stand that stood in the middle of the park. Spencer puts his hands on your waist and kissed you passionately. When you pulled away you rested your head on his chest and watched the rain together. 

That evening Spencer dropped you back at your apartment. He kissed you good night and drove away.   
Once you were alone, the pain of the past came back, Spencer had distracted you but he couldn't for ever, although the pain wasn't as raw anymore, it still hurt. You slowly made your way over to the couch, curled up and fell asleep. 

Dreaming sucks! You never remember the good dreams, but you always remember the bad ones, and when your bad dreams are actually memories of past traumas they suck even more. On this night you dreamt that you had no only killed Laura but your parents too. You sat up gasping, then sobbing and then you didn't really fall asleep after that. You spent the rest of the night numbly staring into space until the morning. When the sky became 'brighter' yet still grey. As you lay in bed you thought about Laura. At times the grief was overwhelming. Tears flooded down your faced, it was maddening. 

'Stop crying!" you told yourself, not that it stopped the tears, if anything it made you cry harder. You cried for hours, the tears were beginning to sting your face. You felt like you needed to talk to someone or you would never stop crying and so you picked up your phone and called Spencer 

_"hey was everything ok?!"_ he asked sounding concerned. 

"Yeah I-I'm f-fine taking everyday as they c-come y'know?" 

_"Have you been crying?"_

"I'm fine, sorry"

_"It's ok, do you want to talk?"_

"A-Actually I was just wondering if you would drive into work with me tomorrow" 

_"Y-You're going in to work? But Hotch said to take as much time as you need"_

"I know but you're going into work and I know that if I don't go in I'll spend the whole day alone and crying and I don't want to do that, m-my face stings, and my head's beginning to hurt". 

_"are you sure?"_

"yes"

_"Ok I'll came get you at 8?"_

"yeah sounds good. Th-thanks" you hung up and spent the rest of the day looking at the white walls. 

The next morning however you showered, brushed your teeth, put your makeup on and even curled your hair to change things up a bit. You forced down some breakfast even though the thought of food still made you feel sick and at 8 you left your apartment and walked down the stairs where Spencer was waiting patiently for you. When he saw you he smiled 

"You looked beautiful" he said as he opened the car door for you. You climbed in and buckled up, as Spencer closed the door and ran round the drivers side. The journey to wok was silent but being near spencer made you feel safe.   
Once Spencer parked up outside the FBI Headquarters he turned and looked at you. You felt the anxiety brewing in the pit of your stomach, and your heart begin to beat a little faster. 

"Do you trusted me?" he asked, you nodded   
"good then you'll be ok" you took several deep shaky breaths then got out of his car.   
You weren't anxious about being at work or anything like that, you were anxious because you were sure if you were going to be able to make it through the day without breaking down or majorly dissociating.

"Oh by the way could we not tell the team about us right now?" you asked, while you both stood in the elevator waiting for it to go up.

"Of course whenever you're ready" He said sweetly. You kissed him on the cheek just before the doors opened, then exited the elevator only to get stopped by Hotch. 

"Y/n I didn't think you would be back so soon, you don't have to be here" he told you 

"Hotch do you know what I did yesterday?" you asked, he shook his head of course  
"I spent the entire day looking at the wall. I mean it, I spent the whole day looking at this very boring white wall... I know I don't have to be here but I want to be, I'll take things slow, just please don't tell me to go home" You begged, Hotch looked at you for a moment to consider it. 

"You need time to grieve Y/n" 

"I know, but I-I can't do that at home, because I just dissociate a-and that's not grieving that escaping my problems, I would be best grieving here" You argued

"Hotch I'll keep an eye on her" Spencer added. Hotch turned and looked at Spencer, he was still considering it. He took a deep breath them nodded 

"Alright, you can be here but if we have any cases, you can fly with us but I don't want you in the field until I think you're ready... The whole team is here for you if you need to talk". He smiled which was rare for Hotch then walked away. You and Spencer both walked into the bull pen and got greeted by the team who were all surprise at your early returned...


	5. Lost

4 months had passed. You and spencer were still secretly in love and everyday got a little easier to deal with the grief of losing Laura. 

It hadn't been the easiest 4 months, Lauras death hadn't just caused you pain, but it had brought up many bad memories that you had buried. 

When your parents died your mental health took a massive blow and for a long time it deteriorated. For the last 10 years, along with continuing life, you had been trying to fix it. Nowadays you had good days and bad days but nothing serious. However after Lauras death you felt yourself slipping, you tried to not slip back into a state of constant depression and with the help of Spencer you hadn't but you were still struggling more than you would like. 

The team had been extremely supportive, Rossi would often invite you to his mansion for scotch and a chat. Emily, JJ, and Penelope would take you on girls nights out where you would all get ridiculously drunk and usually end up crying to each other about your problems. Derek and Hotch always checked up on you and Spencer, well Spencer did what Spencer does. He would come over all the time. He would encourage you to talk about your feeling but he never pushed you if you didn't want to. He didn't make you feel so alone and he made you feel loved.

The temperature was rising and cases were still coming through weekly. It was the 12th of April, daffodils grew on the grass outside, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue, and the sun was high in the sky. A case had just came through in Denver, Colorado, 4 people had gone missing and found 5 days later all of the bodies had been found in the forest. The corpse's showed signs of torture. 

"This is going to be tough, the forest the bodies were dump in goes on for miles!" JJ exclaimed, on the jet. 

"If the forest if that big, then the unsub could live in it. They could like the seclusion, perhaps these victims walk past the unsubs living space, for some reason this annoys him, and it also gives him a perfect opportunity to abduct them, play out his sadistic fantasies then dump them somewhere" You suggested 

"Potentially, Y/l/n, Morgan I want you two to go to the dump sights, JJ, Prentiss, I want you two to go talk to the families, Reid, Rossi, and I will go to the station to start the geographical profile and figure out the victimology" Hotch announced

Once the jet landed You and Morgan drove to where the first body was dumped. It was on the outskirts of the forest. 

"How is our unsub transporting the bodies?" Morgan asked

"He could live close by and drag them here" You suggested 

"Maybe but there are no drag marks, but also the bodies are dump in random places all around the forest, some bodies are miles away from each other" he pointed out

"Yeah you've got a point. It's strange he can't have a vehicle because there are no tire marks either" you added.   
"Unless he does drag the bodies and just covers the drag marks"

"Even so, it's not easy dragging a body, he's got to be strong" Derek mentioned

"I guess so" You sighed  
"Come on, let's go back to the station" you motioned for Derek to follow you, then you both got back into the SUV and drove away.

"So are you and Reid ever gonna get together" Derek asked randomly  
"I mean me and JJ have this bet and I bet that you guys will but JJ doesn't think it will happen, so I'm really hoping that you guys will" you were completely startled by this question as you knew you and spencer had been together since Christmas however purely to irritate Morgan you pretended that you didn't feel for spencer like that. 

"What? No! Morgan me and spencer were just friends i also don't appreciate you making bets on my love life" you scoffed pretending to sound annoyed. 

"My bad" he chuckled.  
"Still I think it's gonna happen, I can feel the sparks fly between you two" 

"Well I'm afraid it won't because Spencer is not my type" You lied. Of course Spencer was your type, he was handsome, kind, caring and everything a woman could ask for. Well apart from muscly maybe.

That evening the team went out for dinner, you sat in between Spencer and Emily. Earlier in the day you had told Spencer about the bet Morgan and JJ had made, and you both found it very amusing that you had completely denied the existence of your relationship with Spencer especially considering over the last 4 months, you had been on several dates together, slept together, slept together while working cases and made out in the elevator right before the doors opened.

Throughout the night Spencer whispered jokes about Morgan in your ear, the thing is the jokes weren't even funny but seeing Dereks curious facial expressions made you laugh hysterically. The constant banter between you and Spencer made Derek hilariously paranoid and suspicious which just added to the fun!

The next day Hotch set up search parties to look for the most recent victims. You and Spencer were put in a group together with no one else for some reason and then sent into the forest. 

You had been warned that the forest was vast and there wasn't a clear trail but thanks to Spencers eidetic memory, you didn't need to worry about getting lost because he would remember which way you went.

For the first couple of hours you both walked around talking about the case and then about how much you loved it the prank war between Spencer and Morgan. 

It was a peaceful walk, despite the fact that you might come across a tortured dead body or the unsub himself. 

The trees were huge and you could hear the birds singing all through out the forest. It was never silent but at the same time you could never hear any other voices apart from yours and Spencers. You couldn't hear the busy sound of traffic that you could always hear in DC. It was relaxing being at one with nature for once. 

After a while you both stopped talking, there was something special about walking in a comfortable silence. It sort of showed something about how nice your relationship with Spencer was. You didn't need to have a conversation with him to show him you loved him, just walking hand in hand was enough to bring you joy.   
You both walked deeper and deeper into the forest and as the hours passed you began to become conscious of the time. You didn't want to end up in the forest when it was dark. That would be terrifying, especially with an unsub on the loose. You started thinking of what would happen if you got lost and then you started imagining growing old in a forest. You had a wild imagination and at times you would get so stuck in your head, it was problematic at the best of times. When you were alone you found yourself talking to yourself without even realising it, you'd often get strange looks from the general public when you were talking to yourself on the train. You wouldn't noticed what was going on around you when you were in deep thought. 

At some point in your walk you came back to reality, it was much darker than you remembered it being and when you went to tell Spencer that it might be a good idea to turn back, you realised he wasn't beside you anymore. Nor was he in front of you, or behind you. In fact he was no where to be seen.

"Spence?"  
"Spencer?!"   
"SPENCER?!"  
"SPENCER REID?!" 

You never got a reply, only an echo of your own voice. Panic rose through your body as you began to realise that you were alone, in a forest, with no service, no food or water, a possible unsub nearby and no idea how to get back. 

What made everything worse was that Spencer could have been taken by the unsub and you were too unobservant to realise.   
_'No I would have realised right? Right?'_

You walked around for hours calling Spencers name, but not once did you get a reply, the sun began to disappear behind the trees and night fell. 

During the day it was somewhat warm, but at night it wasn't. At night it was quite arm and although you were wearing clothes they failed to keep you warm. After hours of shivering you jaw began to ache and your back began to hurt. To add to your problems, you were terrified, tired, dehydrated and hungry. 

Earlier in the day Spencer had told you what creatures could be in the forest but you didn't remember what creatures his listed.   
_'he didn't say bears that's for sure, but I'm pretty sure he did say raccoons and squirrels, oh god did he say coyotes. He probably did. Coyotes are everywhere. Oh my god am I going to get eaten by a Coyotes?!'_

You kept checking you phone for service but it was no good, what made everything worse, your battery was low, it was 12am and the forest was almost pitch black. 

Tears picked the corners of your eyes, no way was this how you were going to die. No way were you going to die because your dumb ass wasn't paying attention. Tiredly you sat down on the floor, curled up and closed your eyes. Hopefully you wouldn't get eaten by a Coyotes in your sleep

You woke up to the cold spring air, you were shivering, hungry and aching. Your feet hurt from the hours of walking you had done the day before, and unlike before you no longer liked the peaceful quiet of the forest. In fact you hated it. You despised it, you wanted to hear people talking, and cars driving past, you wanted to hear civilisation again. 

Grumpily you got up and began walking again, in the hope you would stumble back into town. You checked your phone it was on 10% at this point which was not good. You turned the phone off to save the battery and picked up your pace, checking your phone every half an hour and then turning it off straight away.

After 4 hours of non-stop walking you checked you phone for the eighth time that day and to your delight saw a single bar of signal. 

Immediately you called Penelope, if anyone would be able to find you it was her. She picked up immediately but due to you only having one bar of signal, hearing her wasn't exactly easy

"Listen Penelope my phone is on 5% I don't know where I am, me and Spencer some how got split up and I don't know where he is or if he is safe. Pleased find me" you spoke quickly, your voice broke slightly at the end. 

_"Y/n spencer is safe the unsub has been caught I am trying to find you stayed on the-_ " the signal cut out. You collapsed to the floor, in tears, you threw your phone against a tree in frustration, then got up to retrieved it. 

Throwing it was a bad idea because it didn't work as well anymore more. It was slower than usual, the screen was cracked so you could read the signal bar anymore, and the touch screen was working properly. The last 2 days really hadn't been great for you.

You were living your worst nightmare. You felt a mixture of sadness, fear and anger at the same time. Out of anger you uncontrollable started punching the bark of a tree. Punch after, punch until your knuckles became bloodied and bruised, but you didn't even care, tears streamed out your eyes as you continued to hit, until you were too tired and finally you calmed down. The only thing that kept you going was the knowledge that spencer was ok. 

As night drew once more you lay on the ground and closed you eyes, it began to rain hard and by the morning you were wet and freezing. You were so cold that you couldn't moved, you were starving, and dehydrated and you became more and more weak. 

You lay there all day and as it started to get dark again, you looked at your phone one more time, you knew that you wouldn't survive another night, it was too cold, you were hungry and you hadn't drunk anything. It wasn't how you expected to yourself to die. You always thought you would die in some heroic way like running into a burning building to save a bunch of kids, or jumping in front of a bullet to save your friends but no, this was how you were going to die. 

At the top of your phone you managed to see you had 1 bar of signal again and deciding to try and save yourself before it was too late you called Penelope one more time, and thanks to her skills she picked up the phone immediately   
_"y/n?_ " it was nice hearing her voice. You tried to speak but you were shivering too much and you throat was too dry.   
_"y/n are you there can you heard me? If you can hear me listen closely I've tracked your location and I'm sending the team to go find you, just hang in there ok?"_

The phone finally ran out of battery, and now all you could do was hope you were found before it was too late. You dropped your phone on the ground and fought the urge to close your eyes, but it was too hard, your eyelids felt to heavy and slowly they fluttered closed. 

Suddenly you awoke to the sound of people calling your name, maybe it was the malnutrition, dehydration, and hyperthermia causing your psychosis or perhaps it was real. 

You lifted up your head, and looked to where the voices sounded. You could vaguely see the yellow light of torches. 

You attempted to shout "I'm here" but barely any noise came out. 

_'I'm here'_ you thought  
 _'please find me please'._  
You watched as the torches turned in another direction and your heart dropped. 

"No come back I'm here" you attempted to shouted but what came out was still barely audible. You used your last bit of remaining strength to stand up. The torches began to get further and further away. 

_'I am not going to die here!'_ you thought   
_'Not today! I am not dying today!'_

You pulled your gun from it's holster, used all you strength to load it, which was hard because your gun was so cold, and so were you. 

Once you loaded it, you fired 2 shots up into the air. The group stopped then, turned around to face you. You heard and saw Hotch and Derek run towards you, the gun dropped from your hands and you fell to your knees. 

"We've got her" Hotch said into the radio. They got to you, and helped you stand up but Derek saw your face suddenly become more pale and he caught you before you fell again 

"Hey I got you, you ok?" he asked softly, you nodded and leaned onto him

"I-I d-don't know h-how we g-got s-split up, I-I must had z-z-zoned out or something one m-minute he was there the next h-he wasn't". you stammered

"Spencer thinks you zoned out, he said he went to tie his lace and when he looked up you were gone, when we found him we also found the unsub, he's in custody and Spencer is on his way he's been out of mind with worry" Derek explained

"Y-You know what's really s-stupid?" You asked 

"What?" Hotch asked 

"While we w-were walking I w-was th-thinking a-about h-how t-terrible i-it w-would b-be to g-get l-lost i-in th-the f-forest, I-I th-think, I-I jinxed i-it" 

Derek and Hotch chuckled, and aided you out the forest.  
"b-but he's o-o-k r-right?" you asked.   
  
"Who Reid?" Derek questioned, you nodded  
"yeah he's fine"

You walked out the forest, where an ambulance waited for you, Spencer wasn't there yet but he was on his way to the forest with JJ, Prentiss and Rossi. 

You didn't want to go in the ambulance yet you wanted to see Spencer first so you sat on the end of the ambulance shaking, while they dressed your wounds and and covered you in blankets to warm you up. 

The warmth made you felt a bit stronger, after about 10 minutes the black SUV pulled up, and before the car had even parked up Spencer jumped. You stood up slowly as he sped towards you. He wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly

"I'm so sorry I thought you had realised that I had stopped I'm so, so sorry" a tear rolled down his face, as he buried it in the crook of your neck. You pulled back and looked at him  
"I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how sca-"  
  
"S-Spencer?" 

"Yeah?"

"Shut up" you laughed. He cupped you cheeks with his hands and kissed you passionately. Pulling away, you put your forehead on his and stared into his eyes   
"I love you Dr S-Spencer Reid" you whispered it was the first time you had ever told Spencer that you loved him but you truly meant it. 

Spencer smiled "I loved you too agent Y/n Y/l/n" that was the first time he had told you he loved you. While you stared into each others eyes you could heard Morgan shout to JJ 

"I freaking knew it! JJ you lost the bet, pay up!" you and Spencer laughed then looked at Morgan   
"and you Y/n Y/l/n, you lied to me" 

You giggled and flicked him off, then the 3 days without food, water, sleep and warmth finally hit you. You collapsed in Spencers arms, he scooped up your legs and carried you to the ambulance. 

You spent the rest of the night in the Hospital. It was hard to sleep, that night the doctors were worried you had hyperthermia and by the morning you had only had three hours sleep. You were discharged from the hospital at 9:30am, the team got back on the jet later that day. 

You and spencer sat together, opposite Morgan and JJ.

"So when did you guys start dating then?" Derek asked curiously, you and spencer looked at each other trying hard to not burst out laughing in Derels face

"Christmas" Spencer mumbled 

"I'm sorry I thought you said Christmas" JJ laughed

"I did" Spencer muttered. 

"CHRISTMAS?!" both Derek and JJ shouted at the same time. 

"Well you two are very secretive aren't you?! Is there anything else you want to tell us, you're not married are you?" Derek asked jokingly. Neither you or spencer replied, you found it funnier to watched JJ and Derek become paranoid.  
  
"I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Spencer is from Vegas after all" Rossi chuckled from behind you. After about 20 minutes you finally put their minds to rest. 

"Listen if we got married we would have told you we promise. Now shut up because I'm tired" you announced. 

"I hope you would, and when it does happen Reid I better be your best man" Derek smiled. 

"Well who else would be" Spencer replied 

You felt so tired, the last few days had been awful, tiredly you rested your head on Spencers shoulder and closed your eyes. Your fingers entwined with his, his thumb stroking the back of your hand as you drifted off to sleep...


	6. The letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the stressful case y/n had she hoped she would get some rest but alas that is not the case. No rest for the wicked I guess.

Once you got home later that night. You fell straight asleep on you bed. You had never been so happy to see your bed before. As you drifted off you thought of the moment when you saw spencer again. You smiled to yourself and fell into a deep sleep. 

The next morning you woke up bright and early because you wanted to stopped off at the blackbird on your way to work. Hotch had told you to take some time off, but you weren't great with time off and so you told him you would be fine to go in. 

On your way out of your apartment you checked your mailbox like you did every morning. You only had one letter in there, you took it with you and decided to open it at work not thinking much of it. 

You got mail everyday, sometimes it was taxes, or your bank statements etc... Once you got into work you sat at your desk and opened the letter. What was bizzare about the letter, was that it had no stamp or addressed on it meaning it had been hand delivered by the sender. You opened the envelope and inside was a folded piece of paper inside, the font of the writing on the letter suggests it had been written on a typewriter which was also weird because no-one used typewriters anymore that's what computers were for. The letter said 

_'It was meant to be you, it was all your fault, you will feel what he felt, your life will be cut short too! mark my words'_

You had a feeling the senders attempt was to scare you, from what you could guess was that the letter wasn't being serious. Firstly the way it was written sounded like one of those stupid threats people make in the movies, too dramatic. Also you had no idea who the sender was referring to when they said 'he'. What's more is, if the sender was serious and they did want to kill you, why hadn't they just killed you if they knew where you lived. 

You put the letter in your desk drawer and ignored it. You assumed it was a stupid prank. As someone who had read death threats before this threat did not sounded real and was nothing to worry about. 

You spent most of your day at your desk doing paperwork, looking over cold cases, and writing your account on the previous case.

"So little lady how are you feeling?" Derek asked coming over to your desk with a cup of coffee for you. 

"Much better, you won't catch me in a forest for a while" You laughed 

"So you and pretty boy then?" 

"Now you want to do this now?" you sighed 

"Yeah, y'see you kept your relationship secret for 4 months, I got questions" 

"Alright go ahead" 

"Have you slept with him yet?" Derek asked 

"Wow you don't hold back do you? But yes"

"Is he good in bed?"

"Why do you want to know? Aww Derek do you want to sleep with Spencer? I didn't you swung that way" you joked

"I wanna know if the kid's got game, so just answer to question"

"yes he's the best man I've ever slept with, and I've slept with a. lot. of. men... A. lot. That's all I'm saying"

"Really? My man" Derek chuckled handing you your coffee then walking away.

"Hey Y/n" Emily greeted as you walked into the breakroom, 2 hours later to make yourself another coffee. 

"Hey what's up?" 

"Well I thought you might want to go out for a drink tonight. Especially after that case, and I want to talk" She explained

"Uh oh, are you going to ask me a bunch of questions about my relationship with Spencer?" you asked

"Well I will ask about it, but that's not all I wanted to talk about, I just want to check up on you, so drink tonight at the bar, sound good?" she questioned

"I could definitely go out for a drink, are the girls coming?" 

"I'm afraid not, JJ's looking after Henry and Penelope has got a date" Emily informed you

"Ooo a date, with who?" 

"Do you know the other tech analyse Kevin Lynch?" 

"Oh that guy?! Really?! Penelope could do much better" 

"I've told her that but she won't listen" Emily sighed, before walking out the break room and back to her desk. 

That evening you and Prentiss went to the bar near headquarters. 

"So how have you been?" Emily asked passing you your glass of wine. 

"Well besides for getting lost in a forest in Denver, I'm fine" 

"Are you sure?" she pressed

"Yeah why?" 

"I heard what, Laura said that night, about your parents and uh your struggles after that, I'm sure you've spoken to Reid about it, a-and you don't have to tell me but I just want to make sure your ok" she explained 

"My parents were murdered, I found them when I got home, the killer was never found. For a long time after that I was very unhappy, I couldn't get the image of my dead parents out my head, I mean even now when I close my eyes I can see it but I'm able to handle it better now. So I'm ok, and you're right I have spoken to Reid about it, he helped me a lot" 

"He makes you happy?" she questioned 

"Yeah he does"

"Well then that's all that matters" she smiled kindly, you spent hours in the bar until you both got quite drunk. As you walked back from the bar you were approached by a man in a ski mask, he pulled out a gun and you froze, everything happened so fast. The man without hesitation fired, but Emily pushed you out the way as he fired. You watched as the bullet passed through Emily and she fell to the ground. You grabbed your gun from your holster but by the time you looked up, the man was gone. 

You holstered your gun and dropped down to Emily, blood flowed out her abdomen. You applied pressure to the wound but there was just so much blood. It seeped through your fingers, it stained your clothes, and it didn't stop.

"Hey, look at me you're fine" you told her. People began to crowd round you  
"Someone call an ambulance!" you shouted as you looked up at the crowed. 

"I have they're 5 minutes away" one of the by standers told you.

"Emily keep your eyes open for me, the ambulance is near. Just hold on for me can you do that for me?" you asked, she nodded weakly.

You could hear sirens behind you but it felt like hours before the ambulance. Emily forced herself to keep her eyes open, but they began to close

"Emily stay with me please! Please don't die on me! Please don't leave me!" you begged her. 

Finally, the medics arrived and rushed her into the back of the ambulance. When you got to the hospital, you watched as she was wheeled into surgery. You were taken into a private waiting room to call the team, but it was a challenge to even dial anyone's number because your hands were shaking so much. 

_"Y/n what's up?"_

"S-Spence" 

_"Y/n what's wrong?"_

"Emily w-was... E-Emily w-was shot a-and there w-was so much blood and she w-was just-"

_"Woah Y/n slow down, where are you?"_

"In the hospital" 

_"Ok I'll call Hotch, stay there we'll be there soon"_

20 minutes later the team arrived, they were taken into the the private waiting room where you sat and they sat with you. You hadn't even realised that you were covered in blood, you looked like a mess. 

Spencer knelt down in front of you and gently grabbed your fidgeting hands   
"Hey what happened?" he asked softly. 

You looked at him, tears filled your eyes "It should have been me, he pointed the gun at me, but Emily pushed me out the way" you informed him, your voice broke and tears streamed down your faced.   
  
"Why did he aim at you?" Spencer asked. 

"I d-don't know" you responded. Suddenly you remembered the letter. You hadn't thought about it since you put it in your desk. "  
Th-The letter. I-I got a l-letter th-this m-morning. But I-I didn't take it s-seriously and- oh my god this is all my fault! If she dies I-I-" you panicked, your breath hitched in your throat, and your grip on Spencers hand tightened 

"Hey, hey, take a deep breath, this isn't your fault. Tell me about this letter" Spencer said softly

"I got a letter in the post but I thought it was fake, it didn't sound like a proper death threat and well I thought that if the person knew where I lived then why didn't they just kill me in my apartment. I'm so stupid!" 

"You- you got a death threat?!" spencer questioned in shock  
"Where was this letter now?"

"Uh-i-it's in my desk" you responded. Spencer looked at Hotch. Your boss took out his phone and called Anderson, to go get the letter. Anderson arrived 20 minutes later with the letter and handed it to Hotch. The team examined it, closely. Spencer definitely re-read it over a hundred times.

"You're right it doesn't sound genuine; Most death threats don't sounded like this" Spencer mused.  
  
"So, it might be fake, and this was just a coincidence?" Rossi asked

"i don't know if it is, it's one hell of a coincidence" Spencer responded. You put your head in your hands and began to cry.

Hours went by with no news, the team sat anxiously in the waiting room. Finally, the surgeon came into the room   
"Your agent lost a lot of blood, she went into cardiac arrest several times during surgery, but we managed to stabilise her, she is extremely lucky" 

"S-So she's going to be ok?" you asked

"She not out of the woods yet but she should be fine, you can go in and see her now, she should be awake any minute now" the surgeon smiled and walked away. 

Everyone stood up immediately, and hurried out the room to see Emily, well everyone but you. You sat frozen in your seat, how could you go and look at Emily, when the reason she was shot was your fault. Guilt pulsated through your body. 

After a few minutes, you stood up and slowly made your way over to her room, you felt sick, you felt uneasy. When you finally got to the opened door you felt the colour drain from your face. Emily was lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to a saline drip, and several machines monitoring her. She had dark circles under her once beautifully bright eyes, her skin was pale, she looked weak, and all you could think was that she looked like this because of you.

You swallowed hard trying to keep the vomit down but you couldn't. You felt the bile burn the back of your throat, and chest. Without saying a word you ran away from the room and to the bathroom. You almost didn't make it to the toilet. Falling to your knees you leaned over the toilet and threw up the contents of your stomach. 

Suddenly two hand picked up the hair that was dangling in front of your face and held it back. You didn't bother to look to see who it was, you already knew it was Spencer. One hand held your hair back and the other rubbed your back. 

Once your stomach was completely empty, and you were now just dry heaving into the toilet, you fell back against the cubical wall and took several deep breaths. 

"You ok?" Spencer asked 

"That's twice now" you breathed out

"What?" Spencer asked, reluctantly sitting down on the most likely very unsanitary bathroom floor. 

"That's the second time I've put a member of the team in harms way" 

"Y/n it wasn't your fault. Laura wasn't your fault and neither was this!" Spencer explained sounding a little angrier than he meant to sound. 

"I should have told someone about the letter"

"Yeah you should have, but I don't blame you to thinking it was a joke, but you didn't ask to get a death threat, you didn't ask to almost get shot, you didn't ask Emily to push you out the way! None of this is your fault!" Spencer responded 

"Maybe not, but it feels like my fault" You sighed 

"I get it, but it's I promise" Spencer told you softly  
"No I would kiss you, but you just threw up and this floor is disgusting, so how about we stand up, get you cleaned up, then go see Emily, she asked to see you" 

"She asked to see me?" you repeated 

"Yes, she wants to make sure you're alright, now come on" Spencer held out his hand pulled you up. You both washed your hands, your hands were covered in dry blood which you completely forgot about, as you held them under the tap the water ran red, sending you into a trance. 

Noticing your still body language, Spencer gently put his hands on yours and began cleaning the blood off, once it was gone, you snapped back to reality and smiled up at Spencer, he washed his about 12 times before he disappeared off to get you a bottle of water. You splashed your face with water and tried to hide your red puffy eyes. 

While looking at your sad, tired reflection, your eyes directed down to your once white silk shirt, it was now red and you were sure you looked like a crazy murderer. You fixed you hair and took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom. 

Spencer was waiting outside for you, he handed you the bottle, took your hand in his and you slowly walked to Emily's room. Before entering, he kissed your forehead before engulfing you in a warm embrace

"Do you trusted me?" he asked, you nodded  
"This was not your fault and no one blames you. I promise everything will be ok" you hugged him tighter trying to stopped yourself from crying. He rests his chin on the top of your head, and closed his eyes  
"Now go in there and talk to Emily"

You took a deep breath before pulling away and turning towards the door. The second Emily saw you her pale face lit up, and she smiled softly. The team were all standing round her bed talking to her.

"Are you ok?" she asked sweetly. You furrowed your brow in confusion, she was the one shot not you 

"I'm fine, what about you?!"

"I'm great they have given me a lot of morphine I can't feel anything" she said jokingly. You attempted to smile but you were too full of guilt to smile, you looked over at spencer looked a little unsettled by the joke, you weren't sure why though. 

"Emily I'm so, so sorry, it should have been me" you mumbled as tear rolled down your cheek. Emily tilted her head slightly and looked at you with kind eyes. 

"Y/n I need you to listen to me very clearly" her voice sounded less gentle   
"This was not your fault. Do you heard me? This was not your fault. What I did was my choice. And you know what? If I had the chance to do it again, I would. Ok?" she asked sternly, her face relaxed slightly before she continued  
"And if you haven't noticed I'm ok. Do you understand me?" Another tear fell from your eye, you gulped you nodded.   
"Now go home and get some sleep, you look worse than I did" she said jovially.   
"Seriously though, you look like you just murdered someone" 

"You going to be ok here?" you asked 

"Of course, I don't know if you know this but I'm immortal" she joked

"Ugh, and here I was getting worked up over nothing" you replied playfully   
"Get some rest, agent Prentiss" 

"You to agent Y/l/n" she teased. With a smile you waved her and the team goodbye then followed Spencer out the room.

"See it wasn't that bad was it?" Spencer asked 

"Ugh, I guess not. Will you take me home?" 

"Of course, can I stay with you tonight?" he asked 

"Only if you promise to give me loads of cuddles" 

"What else would I do?" he asked jokingly

The next few weeks were quiet, you checked your mail daily but no letters appeared. You assumed that the unsub was laying low because they had shot the wrong FBI agent. However you would still check your mail before and after work, you still had an FBI agent stay outside your apartment building everyday, and you still kept your gun near you at all times. 

Emily was discharged from hospital a week after the attack, and she was now on the mend. Although she wasn't at work yet, because of the severity of her injuries, she had to take a compulsory 3 months off. 

You would often go visit her and help out round her apartment, tidying, cleaning and sometimes making her dinner, in the hope that it would ease your guilt. It didn't. However Emily was very grateful for the company. 

Everything started to feel normal again until one day on a Hot June evening you came back to your apartment from work, as you normally did and checked your mail. There was a letter in there similar to the last. The envelope was cream like last time, it had no name or address on it and inside was a folded piece of paper. 

The moment you saw it, you hurried out of the building, picked up your phone and called Spencer in a panic 

"Spence I've got another one" 

"What does it say?" he asked. You stopped outside the building, frantically tore open the envelope, and pulled out the folded letter inside, then read it out loud.

"All it says is _'Boom'_ in block capita-" before you could continue, you apartment building exploded, the forced of the explosion blew you back, fire burst out the windows of the building. You flew back hitting a car before falling to the floor. Debris flew everywhere, a lot of it covering you. 

Your ears rung loudly, muffling all sounds around you. You kept sinking in and out of consciousness, muffled voices sounded around you, you could see flashes of blue and red light.

 _'Is this it'_ you wondered to yourself in a state of confusion.  
 _'Am I going to die?'_  
 _'I-I don't want to die'_

"Spence" you muttered, your lungs felt like they were on fire.   
"Spence, I-I'm scared" You voice trailed off and you completely lost consciousness

The first thing you saw when you opened your eyes again was a bright white light, it took you a moment to adjust to your surroundings. The next thing you heard was a rhythmic beeping from behind you and finally you felt someone squeezing your hand. You slowly tilted your head to the side and looked over at the person, it was Spencer of course.

Spencer looked terrible, the usual dark circles under his eyes were darker, his eyes themselves were puffy, and bloodshot, his hair was a greasy mess and his face was blotchy.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" he asked quietly

"I- I don't know, o-ok I-I g-guess, what happened?" you asked weakly. 

"C-4 was planted in your apartment building, it blew up, you were extremely lucky to survive" Spencer explained. You suddenly had an urged to check that all your limbs were still attached, Spencer noticed this and gently rested his hand on your leg  
"Don't worry, you're still in one piece" You smiled in relief   
"You were badly hurt though, you have 3 broken ribs, your armed is broken, you also had a punctured lung, internal bleeding in you abdomen and a severe concussion... The weren't sure if you would wake up" as he spoke a tear rolled down spencer's   
"I thought you were going to die" he sobbed burying his in the bed. You wanted to reasurre him and tell him you were ok but you couldn't focus on yourself or him right now. 

"How many people uh-" you began to ask nervously.   
  
"What?" he questioned looking up at you, his brow furrowed, his eyes even more bloodshot than before. 

"How many people uh- d-d- died?" you asked.   
spencer gulped and looked away 

" It doesn't matter" he stated, you sat up slightly giving him a questioning look.

"Of course it matters, so tell me how many?" you asked again Spencer looked back at you then down at your hand

"It's not your fault-" he began 

"Jesus Spence just tell me!" you demanded

"24" he muttered.

"T-Twenty f-four?" you repeated, your heart dropped, you felt numb. Spencer tried to calm you down but you couldn't hear him, all you could think about was the fact that 24 people died because of you and the fact that despite the unsubs best efforts you were still alive. You shouldn't be, you were the target, why were you still alive? 

How many people were going to die because of you?! One person is enough, but 24?! That number was too big for you to get your head around! You needed to get away! You needed to stop anyone else from getting hurt.   
  
Later that day you insisted that Spencer should go home to shower and get changed, you felt guilty for what you were about to do but it was to protect him really. You kissed him good bye and watched him walk away, a couple of tears escaping your eyes. The thought that this might be the last time you would ever see him burned in your mind. 

Once he left you put your clothes on and left the hospital. You left a letter at the front desk and told the receptionist to give it to Spencer when he would inevitably return to the hospital. In many ways it was cruel to leave so suddenly, with just a letter to explain yourself, but one day you hoped you could explain yourself to Spencer. You hoped you could explain how you left to protect him and the team, but for now you could only rely on the letter you had written to make him understand.  
  
_'Dear Spencer,_  
 _when you read this I will be far away. I don't even know where I'm going but I know this is the right think to do. You'll probably think it's cowardly of me to run but I don't have a choice._  
 _If I stayed I would be putting people in danger. I would be putting you and the team in danger. I can't do that. You all mean so much to me, you all became the family that I lost so long ago. This unsub was devolving fast and who knows what they'll do next._  
 _Please don't think ill of me for leaving, perhaps that request is bad enough, considering I'm saying goodbye in a letter. It's not the first time someone has done this to you and it sickens me to think that I will be hurting you again by doing this. I promised I never would but here we are. Perhaps I'm not as great as you think I am._  
 _Just know that I love you so much. I always have and I always will. I can't tell you how happy you make me and it kills me inside to leave but I have to. Please be happy, please stayed strong and please do not forget who you were. Tell the team I love them and please, I beg of you, do not look for me._  
 _All my love_  
 _Y/n'_


	7. Hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being on the run isn't easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and other mental health problems. I try to be as sensitive as i can be in my writing but if you do get triggered by any of these subjects perhaps this chapter is not for you. However if you have been following this series and you want to continue but do get triggered by these subjects if you message me directly I can send you the chapter with out the subjects mentioned. For those who are choosing to continue reading please be caution I genuinely care about your wellbeing and I would hate for anyone to feel affected by the topics in this chapter.

Two whole months had passed since you went on the run. You had to changed your hair colour and length now it was neck length and black. You were much thinner, food was never really appealed to your any more. 

Your cheeks were hollowed out, your eyes looked bruised from the lack of sleep. Your skin was constantly pale no matter how much sun you got and you found your self in a constant state of exhaustion. 

You rarely stayed in one place for more than 12 hours. It was safer that way. It meant that you wouldn't be able to be tracked down. It kept people safe, it kept the world safe from you. But unfortunately it came with a cost, and that was your health. 

The isolation, the constant paranoia, anxiety, and the slow developing depression that plagued your mind. Your heart was broken, and your mind was shattering. 

The only way you were able to make yourself smile was when you went online to keep track of the teams movements. To do this you had to go to an internet café or a library, but if you got to town too late then you wouldn't be able to hear about them. What made it worse was when the team hadn't solved the case, because there was nothing for you to read. 

There was an article that you loved to re-read. It was one written when you were still on the team. The article was generally pretty boring but you re-read it just to get down to the photo at the bottom. It was of you, looking very good if you could say so yourself, and of Spencer, you were both escorting an unsub into the police station. The photo was nothing special but seeing yourself with him made it feel special made you smile. 

You felt alone, lost and hopeless. You missed the BAU, you missed the team and most of all you missed spencer. He was the love of your life. You thought you knew what love was before you met him, but you were so very wrong. The 'love' you felt for Laura was not real, it was a stupid high school fling nothing more and nothing less. You didn't know real love until you met Spencer. 

There wasn't a single day that went passed that you didn't think about the team. You wondered if you would ever be able to return. You wondered if you did how much would you have missed. Would JJ have another kid, would Derek and Emily get boyfriends or girlfriends instead of having an endless amount of one night stands. Would Hotch and Rossi get new wives. What if Spencer got another girlfriend?! A selfish part of you didn't want him to, you wanted him to wait for you but another part of you wanted him to be happy and you didn't want him to wait for you when your future was so unclear. 

It was August and you were staying in a motel in Texas. It was ridiculously hot, the motel the air conditioning was broken and the room smelled of cheese it sucked. Most motels sucked, you were sure you stayed in motels that were purely for prostitutes to take their clients. Those motels were completely red. I'm talking red bedsheets, red toilets, red basins, red bed frames, red wall, even the TVs were painted red which was strange. 

To save yourself from the most horrendous motel room that you had ever stayed in, in you entire life, you decided to go on a walk. You stopped off at an internet café and decided to see if the team had solved any new cases and luckily for you they had. Once you got onto the internet you read the most recent article about the team.

**BAU CATCH A TED BUNDY COPY CAT KILLER** _Thurday19th of August 2010_

_Last the Behavioural Analysis Unit of the FBI solved yet another case. Jason Thomson was caught last night. He had killed 6 women and was planning on killing 24 more just to be like the notorious Burlington serial killer Ted Bundy... Etc... One for the Agents was shot whilst in pursuit of the killer. The agent is currently recovering in hospital._

_'Which agent?'_ you thought   
_'How badly injured?'._

You see, the one thing that frustrated you was how vague the article was. Recovery doesn't always mean ok. What if the agent in question ended up being paralysed, what if they had to be fitted with a colostomy bag. Recovery does not mean completely ok!

You couldn't help begin to worry and so you decide to contact the team. Perhaps it was stupid idea but you needed to know. You created an email under the name Laura Green. Laura Green was the full name of your dead best friend. The team were well aware of this, you hoped by using this alias the team would know it was you. You wrote an email to Penelope as she was the most reliable with opening emails straight away.

_'Tell Spencer to go to the phone booth at the end of church street at 3 O'clock today. If spencer can't come send someone else from the team instead'_

Once the email was sent you deleted the account left the café. At 3 you went to a local phone booth and called the number for the phone booth on Church street.  
The phone rung a couple of time before Spencer picked up. _  
_

_"_ _Hello?"_ he answered, hearing his voice again, caused your breath to hitch in your throat. You covered your mouth trying to muffle your sobs. You wanted to say hello back but no words came out you couldn't. _  
"Y/N is it you? Can you hear me it's Spencer"_ there was a tone of desperation in his voice _.  
_

"Spencer" you whispered trying hard to stop yourself from breaking down into tears. _  
_

_"Yes Y/N I'm here. I'm here! Are you ok?"  
_

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry" _  
_

_"Hey it's ok, I'm not angry at you, just please come home"  
_

"I can't, I'm sorry" _  
_

_"P-Please, tell me where you are, and I'll come pick you up"  
_

"Spence I don't want anyone else to get hurt" _  
_

_"Then why did you call?"  
_

"Th-there w-was an article, it-it said th-that an a-agent was hurt a-and I-I need to-- I just need t-to kn-know, i-is everyone ok?" _  
_

_"Yeah everyone is fine, JJ was shot in the shoulder on a case but she's fine"  
_

"O-Ok, g-good, n-not that being shot is good but that's she's going to be ok" _  
_

_"Y/n I'm really worried about you, are you taking care of yourself?"  
_

"I'm fine" _  
_

_"Y/n y-you went through an awful t-trauma, a-and now your-- I don't even know what you're doing, b-but it's not good for you."  
_

"I-I'll b-be f-fine b-but t-tell e-everyone, t-to b-be safe, a-and you make sure you're safe" _  
_

_"Wait Y/N... We've been working your case and we think we know who the unsub could be"  
_

"Who?"

_"Does the name Tom Holloway mean anything to you?"  
_

"It sounds vaguely familiar but I'm not sure" _  
_

_"Y/N while working the case we had to look into your past more specifically your parents death and well we think this Tom Holloway murdered them"  
_

10 years... It had been 10 years of not knowing who had killed your parents, the police believed it to be just a random attack. You came to accept that you would never find out who killed them. But now you had the name of the man who did it.  
As horrific as someone picking to kill your parents randomly, it was much more comforting to think that it was random rather than targeted. Targeted meant that   
someone planned to kill your parents and for a reason.

"How do you know?" _  
_

_"In the file it says that while your parents were being attacked your dad fought back and injured the attacker. A significant amount of blood was found at the scene that didn't belong to either your mother or father. The same month and year as the attack Tom checked himself into a hospital in San Diego hours after the attack, he lived in your area, and he didn't have a reason to be in San Diego. He had been stabbed, the knife had cut through some tendons. He has spent the last 13 years trying to walk properly again. In January he stopped seeing his physio therapist. She said that he was pretty mobile when he cancelled their sessions. If he is the unsub he definitely has a partner."  
_

"Why kill my parent though?" you asked, you weren't even sure that if you actually wanted to know the answer. _  
_

_"W-Well uh- T-Tom had a son about your age. His son was hit by a car when he was 6 and the driver was never caught as it was a hit and run but if Tom went after your parents there is a chance that one of them were driving".  
_

Your grip around the phone tightened, and you began shaking your head frantically. You parents were good people. They would read you to sleep every night, they would tell you how much they loved you everyday, they helped you with your homework, and they encouraged you to be the best version of yourself, they weren't the kind of people to commit such a heinous crime. _  
_

"No! no, no, no y-you're wrong m-my parents weren't b-bad people they w-wouldn't"  
You gasped for air, and leant forward against the glass of the phone booth, attempting and failing to catch your breath. _  
_

_"Hey Y/N we- we might be wrong maybe there's another reason"  
_

"I can't, I can't do this Spence" _  
_

_"Just come home please Y/N. We can figure this out but its not safe you being out there alone. We can put you in witness protection."  
_ You couldn't hear him begin to sob, his voice was shaky, and he began to speak in a whisper. 

"I can't you know that. This Tom Holloway is ruthless it's clear he doesn't care who he kills to get to me." 

_"But in witness protection he won't be able to find you"  
_

"Witness protection didn't do Haley Hotchner much good did it? He will do everything in his power to find me and if anyone else gets hurt because of me i... i..." You cleared your throat, swallowing down your sobs _  
_"I'm not strong enough Spence I love you bye" you hung up quickly, slipped down to the floor and brought your knees up to your chest. You couldn't breathe, and you were well aware that you were having a panic attack but that knowledge didn't bring you any comfort. Tears rolled down your cheeks, as you rubbed your knuckles against the concrete. You didn't even notice you were doing it until your panic attack subsided and you realised your hands were covered in blood.  
You stood up slowly, your whole body was shaking, and although you couldn't see what you looked like you were 90% sure you looked worse than usual.  
What had you done to deserve this? You lost your Parents, then your best-friend, and now you had lost Spence and the rest of your BAU family. Was there something you had done that you hadn't realised. 

What if your parents had killed that little boy, you didn't want to believe it, how could you believe it? If it was true then everything you thought you knew was a lie. However Tom Holloway had gone to such lengths to kill you for it to not be true. But wasn't killing your parents enough for him, why continue to kill? Unless when killing them he hoped it would change how he felt, and when he realised it didn't he continued to kill, his hope being that when he killed you he would feel better. It didn't make your life easier.

As you kept thinking about your parents you began to see them differently about them. The happy memories of you and your mother looking round bookshops as a child were disrupted by the thought that she might have run over a child and not taken responsibility. The more you thought about it the more depressed it made you.

Then you began to wonder why you were hiding anymore? What was the point of anything any more? Your future was so unclear, you might be on the run forever and you didn't want to live if that was the case. What if the team would forget you after a while? You began to believe how insignificant you were, you weren't a badass like Emily, or as funny as Derek, you weren't a parent like Hotch and JJ, nor were you a genius like Spencer, or a best selling Author like Rossi. You were just another agent who left the BAU. The world was safer without you.

When you finally got back to the Motel you laid down on your bed and stared blankly at the wall. Perhaps you were just feeling sorry for yourself, perhaps you were just over exaggerating but you were so tired of everything.


End file.
